ABOUT PARENTAL EDUCATION AND UPBRINGING
The education, says elder Porphyrios,
lasts throughout life (lifelong education) and starts from fetal life,
and constantly evolving. The most important educations and upbringing is
the one held by the family.
According to elder Porphyrios, the
family is the first physical means of upbringing and educating people.
In the first 5 years of human life the family with all functions –
visible and hidden, conscious and unconscious – helps on shaping the
personality. The child and the adolescent observe the family roles
played by parents. Children often identify themselves with the roles of
parents. Sometimes, however, the children reject their parents and adopt
a reactive behavior. This is obvious especially in dysfunctional
families.
Elder Porphyrios teaches that the
core of the personality of young people is organized in the framework of
the dynamic relationships in the family. Elder Porhpyrios in all the
cases that came to him for confession, he studied their background of
their intra-familial and marital relationships.
What makes good children, says elder
Porphyrios, is the virtuous lives of parents at home. Parents should
love God. Parents, according to elder Porphyrios, should become
‘saints’, ‘holy’ near their children and have gentleness, patience and
love. They should be always available for their children, with
enthusiasm and love for them. Then, with the grace of God, and their
‘holiness’ they will transfer their good and virtuous feelings to their
children.
For the bad behavior of the
children, says elder Porphyrios, we should blame the parents. Parents
don’t help their children with their advices and by ‘lecturing’; neither
by imposing a strict discipline, nor by controlling their life. If the
parents don’t ‘sanctify’ and become ‘saints’ and virtuous, they make a
big mistake and send the wrong message to their children.
Love, unity and cooperation of
parents and good understanding between them and their children gives a
sense of security and confidence to their children. Otherwise, the
children become unsafe and insecure. Often the unsecure children can
lead to the ‘safety’ of a gang and/or obtain a violent behavior (as a
reaction to a dysfunctional family).
The behavior of the children is
related to the situations they experienced in their family. The negative
attitude of parents creates wounds in the hearts of the children and
leaves scars of injury in their souls that keep during their whole life.
These psychological scars are affecting their behavior and their
relationship with the others, during the rest of their lives.
In other words, the experiences the
children carry from their childhood affect their lives and their
behavior in relation to the others (family, sexual relationship,
friends). Children, says elder Porphyrios, become older, educated, but
do not really change. This is obvious even from the most minor events of
their life.
Elder Porphyrios says that when you
start from a young age with good memories and experiences, then when you
grow up you don’t have trouble to get good and virtuous, but you live
goodness every day, you have it within you self, it is your property
that does not vanish.
The children with psychological
problems (such as tantrum, frustration, isolation, violent behavior and
other reactive behaviors), elder Porphyrios used to call them
‘confused’. Children with psychological problems, says elder Porphyrios,
are usually created by negative experiences they lived in a troubled,
with many conflicts, family life. Elder Porphyrios used to say that
‘confused children come up from confused parents’. The disturbance of
homeostasis and balance of family bonds erases the educating and
upbringing role of the parents.
Elder Porphyrios says that family has
a major responsibility for the mental status of everyone. He believes
that the education and upbringing of children starts from the moment of
their conception in the belly of their mother. The fetus in the womb
hears and feels, understands the movements and emotions of the mother.
If the mother feels sadness, fear or anxiety, the feeling is transmitted
to the fetus. If the mother does not want her fetus, if she does not
love it, this feeling is transmitted to the baby and creates wounds in
its soul that carries throughout its life.
Contrary, if the mother has positive
emotions (joy, love for the fetus), it transmits them to the fetus. So a
pregnant mother needs to pray much, to caress her belly, to love her
baby and to live a ‘holy’, virtuous life. The pregnant mother has a huge
responsibility and honour. She is responsible for the development of
her kid, even during her pregnancy.
In relation to the teaching role of
the parents, elder Porphyrios says that parents – especially the mothers
– often know how to get nervous, distressed and also know to
‘lecturing’ their children, but they have not learned to pray for their
children. Advices, suggestions and ‘lecturing’ are often tiring for
their children, says elder Porphyrios. Instead, the prayer goes
immediately to their heart.
Prayer, silence and love help better
from ‘lecturing’. However the parents love their children with human
criteria and human means (however human love can often be pathological)
and the children become ‘confused’ and their attitude is negative and
reactive. But when the parents love each other and their children,
children will not have problems. Elder Porphyrios summarizes his
pedagogical teaching in one sentence: <<the ‘sanctity’ of the
parents saves their children>>. But to do this, God’s grace should
visit the soul of the parents.
Elder Porphyrios says that the
parents’ life is the only thing that creates good children inside the
house. Parents should be very patient and ‘saint’. They should truly
love their children. And the children will share this love. For the bad
attitude of the children, says elder Porphyrios, the parents are usually
responsible. The parents don’t help their children with their repeating
‘advices’, the discipline that they impose and their strict rules.
If the parents don’t become ‘saints’
and truly love their children, if they don’t struggle for it, they make
huge mistake and they convey to their kids their bad feelings that they
have inside their soul. Then their children become reactive and
insecure.
Contrary, says elder Porphyrios, if
the parents show love and communicate well themselves, then their
children feel secure. Their children’s attitude is related directly with
the attitude of their parents. When the children get hurt from their
parents bad attitude (or the bad relationship between their parents),
then they lose their strength to progress.
Once, elder Porphyrios met 2 young
girls that came to him for confession (to confess their sins). He found
out that one of the girls had a dysfunctional life that was related to
her bad relations with her mother. The girl confessed that her parents
had often arguments between themselves.
Another time a mother with her
daughter visited elder Porphyrios. She said that she was desperate with
her other daughter, because she expelled her husband from their home and
for 2 years she pretended at her parents that her relationship with her
husband was fine (however finding every time excuses for her husband
for not appearing on the telephone). After conversation, the mother
admitted that she had continually arguments with her husband and that
had a negative impact on their relationship with their daughter who
created a dysfunctional family, perpetuating the problems.
Elder Porphyrios advises parents to
knock on the door of the soul of their children gently, subtly and
politely. They should not become tedious and annoying their children
with their ‘lectures’ and their overprotection. So, says elder
Porphyrios, most parents need to do a secret prayer for their children
and say what they have to tell them secretly, to the soul of their
children. The perfect, as elder Porphyrios says, is the parents to talk
to God and then God will speak to their children.
Children need people, and especially
their parents, to make them a warm prayer. Cuddling and caressing them
is not enough. They need better the spiritual touch of a prayer. The
child feels in the depths of its soul the spiritual messages that its
parents (especially its mother) send, and feels safe and secure from
this secret – psychic – embrace with its parents.
Elder Porphyrios believes that the
family is largely responsible for the psychological problems and the
negative behavior of the children. The ‘sanctity’ of the parents
prevents these problems. The children need beside them ‘saint’ parents
who love them (not in the sense of overprotection that ‘chokes’ them),
and not to tire them with their ‘lecturing’ about moral issues.
Parents should not be limited to
sterile words. Instead of only teaching, they should be themselves a
good example. They need to pray for their children and embrace them
silently and secretly (mentally). Elder Porphyrios states that even if
parents do not quarrel with their child using physical violence, if the
show resentment and glare them, then their child will understand their
negative feelings.
Elder Porphyrios states that
children do not belong to the parents. Their lives of their children
belong to themselves, not to their parents. The role of parents is
pedagogical, educational. They need to respect their children and to
behave democratically. They should see God in the face of their children
and give God’s love to them.
Parents, continues elder Porphyrios,
need to understand that their words, their ‘lecturing’ and their
suggestions do not work as effectively unless they follow what they say
and also live a virtuous life.
Parents also serve as models,
patterns. With their experiences and their behavior they teach their
children. As educators, they should improve themselves. Parents need
lifelong spiritual perfection to achieve as educators.
Elder Porphyrios says that the
children in a dysfunctional family carry scars on their soul for their
whole life and this influences their relationship with the others
(including their partners, later) and they carry in their whole life
these negative feelings. It is totally a psychological phenomenon.
However, says elder Porphyrios,
parents should not ‘change’ their children with threats, strict rules,
‘advices’ and compulsions, because they rather make things worse. The
parents should correct the situation by becoming more ‘saint’
themselves. If the parents give love, they will receive love. Children
need love from their parents, and not threats, or parents that keep on
lecturing to their children, however they do not follow the good example
that they ‘preach’.
Parents, says elder Porphyrios,
shouldn’t also ‘push’ their children. They shouldn’t hurt their child by
punishing it with a strict way or punishing it excessively. They should
avoid even to stare with a threatening way their child, because the
child conceives a negative feeling and later when the parent are calm
the child will react for the previous attitude and will not accept the
‘sorry’ or the caress of the parent, but will consider it as hypocrisy.
Other parents tend to be
overprotective on their children. They are stressed and anxious for
their children and they transfer this stress on their kids. Once, a
mother complained to elder Porphyrios that her 5 years old child didn’t
obey her. The mother with her kid took a ride elder Porphyrios to a
coast that was nearby. There, as the 2 adults were talking the 5 years
old kid run towards the sea and jumped on a crag hill of sand and
threatened its mother that it would lose its balance and fall into the
sea!
The mother turned frightened, but
elder Porphyrios asked her not to pay attention on her kid, but turn her
back and ignore it (however he watched himself the kid with the side of
his eye!). When the kid got tired challenging its mother, it slowly
returned back and approached the 2 adults. Children many times tend to
‘test’ their parents. Often they enjoy challenging them. It’s always a
reaction.
Another mother complained to elder
Porphyrios that her 3 years old son didn’t eat all the foods, especially
yogurt. The small kid ‘tortured’ his mother every day refusing to eat
yogurt. Elder Porphyrios asked the mother a ‘trick’: to empty the fridge
from all the food except yogurt! The parents should be patient for some
days. They should only offer their child yogurt. If it doesn’t eat it,
it doesn’t matter. He will finally get hungry and will eat it at last.
The parents followed the elder’s advice. Things happened as elder said
and now yogurt is the favourite food for that kid!
This advice is different from a
modern behaviourist approach where the parents ‘play’ their child’s game
and actually try to make it eat its meal. To my mind elder Porphyrios’
approach is more educational and appropriate (with the behaviourist
approach, parents tend to lower their level on their kids’ level!).
Mothers, says elder Porphyrios, that
are continually up on their child’s head and keep pressing it and
treating it with an overprotective way have failed. They should let
their kid alone to take care for its own progress. Then it will achieve
in REAL life. When the parents are overprotective, their children become
lazy, indolent, and usually fail in real life.
Once a mother complained to elder
Porphyrios that her son failed to pass the exams to enter at the
university. He was the best student in the primary, the junior and the
senior high school. Elder Porphyrios said to the mother that she was the
one that oppressed her son all these years to be the best student, in
order his family to feel proud. However all this pressure, that we call
‘perfectionism’, had a negative impact to the child. It was fed up from
all this pressure and finally reacted to it by neglecting studying his
lessons. Elder Porphyrios advised the mother not to press her son to be
perfect, neither to be overprotective to it. Her son would move on, when
his mother leave him free from this oppression.
Elder Porphyrios says also that
parents should also pray to God for their children. Their children’s
soul feels this prayer that secretly their parents sent. The children
feel more secure when their parents (and especially their mother) pray
for them.
Once a mother visited elder
Porphyrios at the monastery. She was desperate for her son that had not
‘good’ guys for friends, he was ‘confused΄’ and he returned home very
late at night. Elder Porphyrios said to her just to pray for her son
every night at a specific time. Elder Porphyrios also prayed the same
time every night. He advised the mother not to press her son by
‘lecturing’ him because he returned late at home, but instead say him
e.g.: ‘My son, you can eat the food we have left you in the fridge’. She
shouldn’t say anything else. She just needed to treat her son with
love.
About 20 days later the son asked
his mother ‘why aren’t you talking to me?’ (he meant: why isn’t she
complaining about his attitude e.g. for returning late in home). The
mother said her son the words that elder Porphyrios advised. He also
advised her to continue praying and not to complain and lecture her
son’s for his bad attitude. Her son, subconsciously, was torturing her
because he wanted her to be punished for his (oppressive) attitude. He
wanted to ‘play’ with his mother. When his mother stopped punishing him,
he felt weird. He didn’t have any more any reason for his reactive
behaviour. Later, the kid visited elder Porphyrios without anyone
speaking before for him. Today he is a very good young man that has
joined the army force.
Parents and teachers, says elder
Porphyrios, should avoid extreme measures like excessive strictness,
authoritarianism and violence (physical, verbal, psychological,
economical). On the other hand, they should avoid offering too much
freedom in their children, because that can often be akin to
indifference. They should avoid to over exaggerate, because they with
this attitude they do not contribute to the intellectual and emotional
maturity of their children. Instead, they help them with their
moderation, their moderate indulgence and sometimes with their silence.
Elder Porphyrios emphasized for the
young the role of prevention, instead of treatment. ‘Prevention is
better than treatment’, Hippocrates (the ancient Greek doctor who
established medicine as a science) used to say. The family should offer
an atmosphere of love, peace and tranquility. Parents, says elder
Porphyrios, should not exasperate their children, but educate them with
their admonition to have a virtuous life.
Elder Porphyrios sees God in the
face of the people. Often he keeps silent, and with his silence he gives
his advices. He also personalizes each case. He regards everyone as a
unique personality. Thus, for the same incident he may give in two
people two different advices. In any unusual behavior he illuminates the
causes it and then, with a distinctive way, he intervenes.
Elder Porphyrios accepts people as
they are, with their weaknesses, their faults and their particularly
behavior. He doesn’t put all people inside the same mold. Neither he
reacts to the (often extreme) external appearance, eccentric and
provocative behavior (often of young people), but always explores the
root of their behavior, their soul and their motivation.
In one case, religious and educated
parents complained him that their son spends his teens in an explosive
way. He advised them to remain silent and to pray for their child and
not overwhelm him with their moral issues and their ‘lectures’,
otherwise they will strengthen the reactionary behavior of their son.
Their behavior infuriated their son.
Elder Porphyrios teaches parents to
learn to listen to their children and discuss the problems that
preoccupy them. He advised parents to always offer their parental arms
open to their children, especially if their children feel loneliness,
pain and rejection from their environment.
Elder Porphyrios emphasizes the
value of ‘positive action’ and stresses that benefits more people and
helps developing the positive aspects of personality. He advises people
not to deal with evil, which is like the thorns in the garden. People
should not tackle the expulsion of evil. They should not deal with their
passions. Instead of fighting with evil, he advises that it is better
(and easier) to direct the water, namely the strength of soul, towards
the flowers of the garden. That is positive action. Then they will
rejoice and feel the fragrance and beauty of the flowers (namely with
their virtuous life they will expel evil and get rid of the negative
atmosphere).
In contrast, the ‘negative action’
is harmful, says elder Porphyrios. Many parents (especially mothers) are
characterized by a negative action towards their children, they oppress
them, or contrary they are overprotective and are always over their
heads. Then the children react and become sloth and fail in life, so
then parents have failed their purpose. Parents fail if they are
oppressive or overprotective on their children. The authoritarian
parents who impose by force or manipulation, and also the overprotective
parents, fail.
So parents, and especially mother,
need to pray for their children, says elder Porphyrios. ‘Pray more and
say less words’ elder Porphyrios used to say. Parents should avoid
bothering their kids. They should rather pray, secretly. By ‘lecturing’
to their kids, parents make their kids react with usually a negative
behaviour.
Mothers, says elder Porphyrios,
should pray to God for their child. God will speak to the child Himself
and the child will finally consider its behaviour and realize that it
shouldn’t frustrate its mother with its bad attitude. Otherwise, the
child reacts and subconsciously ‘punishes’ its parents for their
oppression, by following a negative behaviour. Traumatized and
psychologically injured children react badly. Of course they usually
regret for it.
Parents shouldn’t force their
children to pray to God or follow them at the church. Children will
react negatively if they sustain this oppression. It’s not a coincidence
that most people today do not believe to any kind of religion (namely
are atheists or even nihilists). They were pushed from their parents to
be faithful; however, they reacted to this pressure of their ‘faithful’
and religious parents.
Another kind of reaction, says elder
Porphyrios, is with their peers, when the children have bad guys for
friends, or they say vulgar lay words. Of course parents should be the
perfect example for their children and follow their own advices.
Parents should also teach their
children to be humble, says elder Porphyrios. They should be very
careful when they praise them. They should not say their child ‘you will
accomplish everything, you are great, you are perfect etc’. Most
parents praise their kids. However, they don’t help them with this
attitude. All the Saint people were humble. God is the only one who is
perfect. Parents, by praising their children, don’t make them ready for
the difficulties of real life. The children can’t adjust to real life
and then they fail.
Too much care and overprotection are
characteristics of parental anxiety. Often the parents are anxious
about the future of their children (to get married and make a family and
to find a job). Their stress creates anxiety in their children. Parents
often try to fulfill their unfulfilled desires and dreams through their
children.
Parents often try, through their
children, to ensure the status of the family (e.g. when their child
becomes recognized on its profession). Elder Porphyrios notes that in a
case a mother was responsible for the problematic behavior of her son
with her perfectionism to make him first in everything in order to get
into the ‘high society’.
Elder Porphyrios says that
continuous and excessive praising of the children by their parents (or
their teachers) is wrong because it makes them swell with pride. Then
the children become selfish and egocentric. They grow in selfishness and
can’t adjust to society.
On the other hand, humble are more
adaptive in the society, do not create problems to other people and do
not get angry when someone shows their error. Elder Porphyrios says that
parents can teach their children to live simple and humble and not to
seek praise continually. ‘Humility is healthy’, says elder Pophyrios.
ΤΗΕ EDUCATIONAL ROLE OF THE TEACHER
Those reported to parents apply to
teachers as well. The teachers can help their students to school with
their prayer and their ‘sanctity’. They should ask for God’s grace and
not to try to correct their students in a human manner. Often teachers
transmit their anxiety to their students. With faith in God, their
stress goes away. They also need to have distinction.
Their love for students should be
true and not human, as often parents do. They need to pray for each
student. Before entering the classroom, they should pray for their
students. When they enter the classroom they should embrace with their
look all the students. After talking to them, they should offer
completely themselves to their students. They should not say much about
God at their students, because the young often react to religion. They
need a proper preparation.
So it is better to pray to God for
their students. However, love requires sacrifice of time. If teachers
are virtuous, then God will speak to the students in the classroom or
the auditorium.
Teachers, says elder Porphyrios,
should avoid praising their students, because in that case they become
selfish and with this egoism they go away from God and they ignore their
parents and teachers. Parents and teachers shouldn’t say any lie to
their children/students, neither should they praise them. Praising the
young makes them selfish. They ask for praising in their whole life. If
it is not given, they get frustrated. They can’t also adjust to society
which is cruel for the unprepared. Later, these kids will end up to the
psychiatrist’s coach. ‘Always tell the truth to the young. Don’t praise
them, neither over exaggerate’, says father Porphyrios.
‘We should also not ask for the
others to love us, by praising them. We have to learn to love, without
asking to be loved. We should love and make sacrifices. By praising the
youth we cultivate their super – Ego, inflating their selfishness. We
should not keep the youth away from the real values of life. We should
teach the youth to be humble. Then they can change the world!’, says
elder Porphyrios.
The attitude of today’s society
harms the young, says elder Porphyrios. The result is that today the
young are frustrated and struggle to say their parents (and teachers)
that ‘you need to understand us’. However the parents/ teachers don’t
hear them. The parents/teachers shouldn’t lower themselves on the level
of the young. Instead, they should pray for them. God will help them!
Teachers, says elder Porphyrios,
should avoid using human ‘educational’ ways to ‘correct’ their students.
Most teachers transfer to their students their own stress. They should
treat them with real love, as if they were their parents.
If a student makes trouble, says
elder Porphyrios, then the teacher should first make a general comment
saying: ‘Students, we are here for lesson, a very important job. I am
here to help you. You are also tired to achieve in your life. I love you
all. I struggle too to help you. So, please remain quiet to achieve our
purpose’. The teacher should look the student that is troublemaker. If
the student continues its bad behaviour, then the teacher should respond
to it, not with anger, but with a serious and steady way. Teachers need
to impose in their classroom in order to affect their students’ soul.
Students are not responsible for their bad behaviour. It is their
parents’ responsibility.
Teachers should also teach their
students about love, says elder Porphyrios. They should say them that:
‘only love makes all beautiful, fills our life and has a great meaning
in it. We all have 2 selves. One is mean and evil; and one is good. We
have to cultivate our good part that offers progress, love and goodness.
Our bad part wants as lazy and unconcerned for everything (after all,
today most people are selfish and egocentric). However, everything needs
a proper preparation. Love needs sacrifices’.
Once a teacher was frustrated from
the bad behaviour of one of his students and wanted to dismiss him from
the school. On the meantime a new teacher came to the school. The old
teacher informed the new one about the naughty student. He also informed
the new teacher that the student liked a lot bicycles.
The second day the new teacher
entered the class and said to the students: ‘Students, I have a problem.
My legs are tired when I walk long and I want to drive a bicycle,
however I have never drove any. Is there anyone that can teach me how to
drive a bicycle?’ The naughty student replied ‘I know’! Since then, the
new teacher and the ‘naughty’ student became best friends. The old
teacher then felt that he wasn’t capable to impose himself to that
student.
UNDERSTANDING AND RESPECTING THE NATURAL ENVIRONMENT
Elder Porphyrios advises to rejoice
in everything around us. For the plants, the animals, the birds, the
mountains, the sea, the sunset, the stars in the sky and in general all
the animate and inanimate elements of nature that teach us and lead us
to God. They are all signs of God’s love. Through them we come to love:
to God. All those that are related to nature help us in our spiritual
life, by the grace of God. Elder Porphyrios says that when he feels the
harmony of nature, he cries.
REFERENCE
1. Elder Porphyrios Kafsokalyvitis,
‘Life and Speeches’, chapter ‘About the education of children’, pages
(415) – (444), edition of the Holy Monastery of Chrysopigi, Chania,
Crete, 9th edition, Chania, Greece, 2008.
2. Georgios Kroustalakis, chapter
‘Elder Porphyrios as an educator’, pages (185) – (205), from the book
‘Elder Porphyrios Kafsokalyvitis – Landmark of sainthood in the modern
world “, published by Holy Monastery of Chrysopigi, Chania, Crete, first
edition, Chania, Greece, 2008. The book is based on transcripts from
the inter-Orthodox monastic conference that took place – under the
blesses of the Holy Synod of the Church of Crete – Chania Crete, Agia
Kyriaki, in 10 to 12 May 2007.
3. Elder Porphyrios the priest–monk,
‘Anthology of Advices’, edition of the Holy Monastery of Metamorphosis
(transfiguration) of Christ, Milesi Attica, 8th edition, Athens, Greece,
2010.
4. Klitos Ioannidis, ‘Elder
Porphyrios – Memories and experiences’, edition of the Holy Monastery of
Metamorphosis (transfiguration) of Christ, Milesi Attica, 10th edition,
Athens, Greece, 2009.
NOTE
1. Of course the word ‘love’ in this
text has anything to do with the sexual meaning of the word (as we say
e.g. ‘make love’ instead of ‘make sex’) that our corrupted modern
society has replaced, especially thru the media. Love here has a
Christian meaning that most today forget.
2. I have added some small comments
on elder Porphyrios’ words, however without changing their meaning. I
also haven’t changed his original words (under quotations).
Porphyrios Bairaktaris (1906–1991) was an Athonite hieromonk known for his gifts of spiritual discernment.A native of Evia province, the future Elder Porphyrios (his birth name had been Evangelos, while his monastic name was Nikitas) became a monk at the age of fourteen or fifteen. He was tonsured a monk in the Athonite skete of Kafsokalyvia, in the Cell of St. George. Forced by pleurisy to depart the Holy Mountain, he returned to his birthplace, where he was unexpectedly elevated to the priesthood by Porphyrios III, Archbishop of Mount Sinai and Raithu. With the outbreak of World War II he became a hospital chaplain in Athens, in which post he continued for three decades (1940–1970). His later years were devoted to the construction of the Holy Convent of the Transfiguration of the Savior. After 1984 he returned to Mount Athos, occupying the same cell which he had earlier in life been forced to abandon. Through his role as spiritual father, Elder Porphyrios became known to an ever-wider circle of Orthodox faithful. Several compilations of stories and sayings attributed to him have been published.
No comments:
Post a Comment